Best Friends

How do you define a "friend"? What do you expect in a friend? Do best friends exist? If they do, how do you know who are your best friends? When we are kids, best friends are those who share their Barbie dolls, action figures or sweets, braid each other's hairs during school assemblies, buy each other cute and colourful erasers, stuffs like that. If we don't like anyone, we will only "bluff bluff friend them".

When we reach the teenage years, best friends are those whom we would giggle with whenever we spot cute guyz, "ponteng" classes together and share silly secrets with. Fast forward to university years, best friends become people whom we trust, whom we share our deepest secrets and fears with, whom we learn to grow with as we slowly step into the adulthood. As we grow older, best friends are probably our loved ones, or people whom we've shared many years together with, whom we've known practically the entire life.

I myself have had a string of best friends during my childhood days in which all were shortlived either due to distance (like Loo Sean and Jeanne) or we just drifted apart (like Sue-Anne and Shariffah). The next set of best friends I've had was during college.

Winnie and Irene were my classmates, we sat together right at the back and became the devils in the class. Our lecturer, Mr. Lee nicknamed us The Charlie's Angels. I met Keat through Winnie. We started off with 4 of us. We helped each other out in our projects, to the extend of skipping lectures just to go to Cyberjacks to type out reports or search for infos. We'd hung out whenever possible and attended the Orientation Nite together. The "Star Hill" stall (or we fondly remember it as Bak Kut Teh stall) became our favourite hangout place.

(L-R) : Winnie, Irene, Keat, me

Few months later, Irene had her own clique, and then there was 3. Wherever we go, it was always 3 of us - me, Keat and Winnie. Keat was the all-honest and outgoing one. Winnie was the one with a flock of admirers. Me? I was the one screaming the top of my head and anything in between them. In a way, we complement each other. We had our set of hair clips (each of us had a different colour) and a porcupine keychain hanging from our bags. We wore overalls (the "mechanic baju") to college together. We skipped lectures to go to the Aerospace arcade.

The thumbnail stickers we took in Memory Lane 7 years ago

During Lecturers' Day, we had lunch at a nearby Jap restaurant, bought a bottle of sake and drank it at the college's entrance until Keat and Winnie were red all over the face while everyone else were at the lawn celebrating the occasion. I intro-ed Keat to the world of IRC, and we created #heavensgate, we even named the spot below the SAM block's staircase after it, and that was where we would "lepak" besides Bak Kut Teh. We'd drag Winnie along to meet new friends.

However, somewhere along the way, I think Keat and I neglected Winnie, or that we initially thought she was avoiding us. That one morning at a quiet stairway behind the college, 3 of us talked about it. I remember Keat being the one talking most of the time, Winnie in tears and I tried to be the peacemaker. I remember hurting inside. We couldn't solve our indifferences and coz it was the Trials then, we left it that way. Indirectly, we had a "trial separation". I had an awful pressure from Mum and her siblings to score for a place in UNSW then. I did my revisions with Carman and Kok Weng, Keat with Simon, and Winnie at the library.

Finals ended, we attended Prom Night. We barely talked to each other, but we managed to take a picture together. Winnie, Irene and I left for PD for our class trip - with a reason to celebrate mine and Winnie's birthdays (we share the same birthdate). I remember the night of the celebration, everyone was busy chatting and laughing with each other. Me? I sat alone by the beach, staring at the stars over the dark sky, reminiscing the year that had been. Unknown to the others, I shed some tears then. I've had lost 2 best friends in that one year, I didn't want to lose another.

After the trip, I've had several online chats with Keat. We argued over the net, but we finally resolved the misunderstandings and started mending our friendship - just the two of us. Shortly after that, Keat left for Melbourne, and I left for Sheffield 9 months later. Despite being continents apart for nearly 3 years, we still furiously snail mailed each other, wrote e-mails, have frequent online chats, confided in each other, sent gifts for each other's birthdays or when we went travelling. We'd only meet up once or twice a year when both were back in Malaysia for breaks. We were there for each other in whatever possible way. Other people would discourage the friendship, yet I'd defend us till the end.

Just when I believed that best friends do exist, it happened.. She landed in hot soup, needed my help and I offered. But our differences got more obvious after that. She needed help the next two times, but I did not help her. I knew that she would repeat it over and over again. I wanted her to realize what was she doing. At the same time, I couldn't offer anymore, I was struggling myself. Things just got worse after that. To me, Keat was going downhill and all I wanted was to knock some sense into her head. To her, I was the nagging one, that I had no life, and that I should "go die". After a few e-mails of lashing out at each other, I received another e-mail from her, stating that "I don't think we're best friends anymore". Childish as it could sound, the words stung. A LOT. 1-2 more mails, and that was it. The end of our "best friendship".

Could it be that I didn't help her the next time, that led to the breakdown of the friendship? Could it be that I did not support her in whatever she was doing, knowing that if I did, she would even be worse? I thought I did the best I could..... Guess not.. I thought I was someone who would go all out for a friend... Guess not either.. I thought that we would all grow old together and laugh about the times we had. If I had not done what I did or if I had been more outgoing and less nagging, would we still remain as great friends now? Did I expect a lot from her friendship? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I don't know anymore...

Sometimes when I think about the times when the 3 of us made a pact to be each other's bridesmaids when one of us gets married, or that we would be each other's children's godmothers... It feels like a joke now.. This friendship really made a big impact in my life.. If you have read my previous entry, you'll probably understand why I don't believe in best friends anymore. It's easy to have best friends, but it ain't easy to keep one. Oooh.. How true is that..

We're still on a Hi-Bye basis, Keat and I, but probably not more than that. I've been reminiscing the past with Winnie on MSN lately (Winnie, know that you inspired me to write this entry. *smile*). Whereas Irene, I don't know where is she and what is she doing now. The last time I bumped into her was nearly 4 months ago.

Keat, Winnie and Irene.. If you happen to read this entry, do know that I miss our friendship. Really. Sometimes I'd wish that we would some day, mend back the friendship. I don't know.. Time will tell.. But thank you for the times we've had, good or bad times. And I'll never forget the song we've dedicated for each other - for the friendship... Do know that you can still count on me no matter what, no matter when...

The card Keat & Winnie drew for us with our names on it

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today and then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
And then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

~~ Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For ~~

Sunflowerians Reunion

It had been ages since we all last met up, and I meant, all 6 of us - Tai Lou, Hochai, Chin Haw, Aneh and Chien. We finally managed to do that tonight. ;) Chien flew in from Bintulu for the tomorrow's Sheffield gang trip (it's a yearly thing - this time's to Langkawi), and everyone else were free from commitments tonight - work, family, and the big wedding.

We had dinner at Dome in BSC. I was seated in the center, and when I looked at all 5 of them, I thought of the days we all had together. There I was, looking at a family man (apparently little Gerald still loves the trolley toy we all bought for him on his 1st birthday! *grin*), a groom-to-be, a "taukeh", and the other 2 were paving their ways up the telco lines. Imagine, 4-6 years ago, we were all learning to be independent in a foreign country, yet dependable to each other. *Sighz*

I miss those days. I miss my "heng tais". Over the years, I've had various broken friendships merely due to distance, being taken for granted, or they just didn't work out at all. There was one point in life when I thought I had finally found my true and best friends, but that failed in the end. I'll write about this in a later post. I truly stopped believing in true friends since then, you know. But these people brought the hope back. They made me believe again that true friends do exist, with whom I can truly be myself. And they come in a package of 5 guys. ;)

So, anyway, the big event's gonna be in less than 3 months time. We are all gonna rope in for this! We all know that Chin Haw's gonna be a wonderful husband and father in the future. He has already done the unevitable by taking care of 5 'monkeys' for 2 whole years! Hehe..

We ended the night when Hochai gave each of us souvenirs he bought for us during his recent trip to Beijing. It was lovely to meet up with them once again. We would definitely meet up soon for the preparation for the big wedding! :)

And to the guyz going to Langkawi, may you all drink to your heart's content! Please remember not to eat too much before that, especially spaghetti and meatballs. I believe that you all still remember the drinking session in Crescent Flats particularly Flat 22, right? Hehehe....

How Bloody Rude!

Had a row with a certain colleague (Nins) sometime in the late afternoon. We had a discussion earlier in the day when she mentioned about standardizing all our software products. Will detail this out after this. But the main one was the afternoon case.

Another colleague, Labu was supposed to test my current software (a Time Attendance software, actually) and she was unsure about the settings for one of the features. I explained why I designed the settings outlook that way, but she still didn't quite understand, so she asked Nins to come over. Nins came, and strongly believed that it shouldn't look and work that way, and that it's very confusing. I told her that I had initially discussed it with my Supervisor and another colleague who maintains the hardware of the time clock. That was the best and easiest way to potray the settings. I explained to them again, but Nins kept interrupting and raised her voice. I didn't quite like the way she talks, but I remained patient with her. Somehow, she continued raising her voice. She demanded that it should look the way she thinks is right, and she kept interrupting when Labu was giving me her point of view. Throughout the whole conversation, my other colleagues knew that we were discussing something, and all they could hear was Nins' voice. Nins yelled at Labu a couple of times and told her to "SHUT UP!". I was like, "what the hell??!". If she had shouted once only, I would just pushed it aside. But she did that 2-3 times! I finally lost my cool and yelled back at her.. I raised my voice and told her that "You are damn bloody rude, you know! You don't like us raising our voices at you, don't do that in the first place! You don't like us interrupting your conversations, then you don't interrupt in ppl's conversation also!" I was just soooooo mad at that point of time, my colleagues were all shocked to suddenly hear me raised my voice! That was the only time they heard me throughout the whole conversation!

Gosh.. I was sooooo mad! What gives her the right to think that she can talk to us that way? She PMed me in AOL after that and said "Hope that you wont take heart on a small matter like this. I will use a different approach to talk with you. ...diff people take things diff ly ... i understand....". She even said I was being sensitive. What the f*ck! Come on, if I'm being sensitive, then the whole R&D staff are a sensitive lot! She raises her voice at anyone for no particular reason. She even does that to the QA Manager, hence every meeting they have together were never pleasant. She demands that everything work the way she want it to be. She even told other colleagues to shut up during meetings that consist of Sales ppl, other Managers, Head of Divisions and R&D ppl. I understand that she cares a lot for her staff and the company. She has a good heart. But don't you find it rude yourself? Everyone complains about the way she talks and approaches ppl, so am I the only one being sensitive about it? Hey, if she doesn't like us doing that to her, why the f*ck does she do it to us?! It's not like this is the first time she did that to us. It's also not the first time that we talked to her about it. But she still does it over and over again, and especially to her own staff. It's just too much already!

Back to the earlier issue in the morning, she wanted us to standardize all our future softwares' outlook. I understand, she was thinking for the company, that she wanted the softwares to potray unity in the company. But the problem is, we don't have the time to do that. She wants them to look like how Microsoft products look like - all so standardized. Come on, who wouldn't want their products to have the same look? Why do you compare our products with Microsoft? They probably have their own team just to do the whole GUI thing! Don't say products lah, even their presentations are all standardized because they're all given a template to use! How is it possible for us here? There are only 4 Software Engineers here, and we have to handle at least 50 softwares. We are already soooo multi-tasked that we have to do the work of a System Analyst, System Architect, Database Designer, Software Developer, plus all the ISO stuff that need us to write very detailed design specifications and document every single thing. That is for 1 f*cking software alone. We do at least 3-4 softwares simultaneously! Now we are to be a Graphic Designer as well?! Of course we want to potray unity. Of course we want to standardize our softwares. But we are soooo short-handed. Imagine, all our softwares are sooo complex. How to find time for all 4 of us to really sit down and discuss how our buttons should look like (the width and length, the font size, style and colour, etc). This is button alone, how about the rest like treeviews, panels, grids and all? And we're talking about using 3 different software platforms to write ours. Not like all the components provided in them are the same! It's possible, of course. But she expects us to understand her, why can't she make an effort to understand us as well? Do you think we don't care about the company's reputation and all? Why demand me to make the changes? Why can't she tell that to my Supervisor instead?

Gosh.. I'm just boiling inside..... I'm not trying to trash on her, really. Maybe I'm just being too honest and straight forward to tell her. I've tried sooooo hard to be patient. I don't often lose my temper like that especially in the office... Urgh.. I'm not proud of this, really.. It just irks me... Urgh...

Tribute to 'Superman'

Taken from MSNBC

MSNBC and CNN have announced that the 'Superman' star, Christopher Reeve died of heart failure on Sunday at the age of 52. He was paralyzed neck down after a riding accident 9 years ago, very nearly contemplated suicide, but rose back to life since then. No one is as strong as him.. Really..

I remember watching him 'fly' over the buildings, carry vehicles and boulders, saving innocent lives in the Superman movies. The last time I seen him act was in two episodes in Smallville (one each in Season 2 and 3) as Dr. Virgil Swann. Can't imagine him not appearing in another episode anymore... Come to think of it, Tom Welling do look a little bit like Christopher Reeve.... Side profile lahh..

I hope that Smallville will make a tribute to him. He was 'Superman' in the movies, he was Superman in the sense that he fought back for his life, and he dies as a Superman. He was heroic both on and off screen. He truly deserves that title. Rest in peace, Mr. Christopher Reeve...

Measure Of A Man

Thought of sharing yet another song lyric.. This time it's Clay Aiken's, I don't think I need to tell you that he was the runner up for American Idol 2, right? I love his powerful yet soothing voice, and he clearly brings out his emotions in this song. Ooh.. Not forgetting, the wonderful, melodious sound of the piano at the background.. ;) This is probably the best song ever by him!

I think the title says it all.. How do you measure a man? How do you know how much does his love worth? Is it fair to judge him from the material stuffs he own? Or to make him do things that are beyond his nature, like run through fire, and die for you? True enough, who wouldn't want to have their own knight in shining armor - handsome, tough and heroic? But at the end of the day, do all these matter? I'd say to look beyond all these, to look into his heart instead. Would you like it if your other half measure you and your love this way as well? Think about it..

If one day you discover him
Broken down, he's lost everything
No cars, no fancy clothes to make him who he's not
The woman at his side is all that he has got
Why do you ask him to move heaven and earth
To prove his love has worth?

* Would he walk on water
Would he run through fire
Would he stand before you
When it is down to the wire
Would he give his life up to be all he can
Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?

If by chance all he had to give you
Was three words wrapped around his finger
Would that be deep enough at the end of every day
And how will you ever know
If a man is what he says?

Why do you ask him to move heaven and earth
To prove his love has worth?

Repeat *

He never give up that broken dream
His world goes around in wonder it seems
Is that how you know, is that what it means?

Would he walk on water
Would he run through fire
Would he stand before you
Would he be your anchor when the dark unfolds
Would he always love you the best that he knows?
Would he give his life up to be all that he can
Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?

Repeat *

Is that, is that, is that, how you measure a man?

~~ Clay Aiken - Measure Of A Man ~~