Farewell, 'Gong Gong'
My grandfather has finally left us.. 11.35pm, 22nd July 2003 at the age of 93.. He died peacefully, in front of my relatives back in Segamat.. He has gone.. I knew this day would come since 2 weeks ago.. I knew he would leave us soon... Yet I still couldn't accept the fact that he left..
I was on the phone talking to sayang when I got an SMS from my cousin brother, Loon, that night. "Gong gong passed away already". Just these 5 words... These 5 words were enough for me to break down.. I woke daddy & mummy up, the phone calls from Segamat started coming in... And we were back in Segamat the next morning..
It was just during the afternoon that I told my colleagues that I probably wouldn't make it for the departmental trip, that I wanted to go back to Segamat to see my grandfather that Saturday. Even during dinner, I was just discussing with daddy & mummy about going back to see him.. I just never thought that he would leave us that night itself.. Leaving behind his wife, 9 children, 34 grandchildren, and 16 great grandchildren..
One of my relatives told me how that night, he asked to speak to my relatives one by one... How he told them to stay united, to forgive and to forget... How he told my youngest cousin brother to study hard... How he asked them to take care of my grandmother... How he told them to offer joss sticks to the Gods... How they laid him on the lazy man chair, everyone gathering around him... How he kept asking why did he have to suffer, why did the Gods keep him alive still... How he shed so much of tears... How he told them to chant for him... How one of my uncles told him that he promised to take care of my grandmother, when he finally closed his eyes slowly and slept forever... He died the way he wanted to die, in that half-sitting half-lying down position.. With his family surrounding him..
I cried a lot for the next 3 days, during the funeral procession.. I kept looking at my grandfather, laid in the coffin.. I got to touch his forehead before they sealed up the coffin. He looked so fragile and thin, in his smart grey coat and pants.. One hand holding his favourite 'fatt jee' (black, beaded bracelet), the one my mum bought for him from China. Daddy put my grandfather's favourite 'tongkat' (wooden walking stick) in too, so that he could follow his 'master', Pak Sin Gong (the Beggar God). The hired band would play Teresa Teng's songs, and people would be flooding in to pay their last respects to my grandfather.
We went through a lot of sessions of praying, kneeling and walking.. When we were not doing that, we would be folding paper money, or listening to my grandmother's stories about my grandfather, how they met and all. When daddy was clearing up my grandfather's drawers, we found a few of my graduation photos, and even a copy of my maternal grandfather's obituary when he passed away on January 1997.. I got to learn how, despite being poor,he managed to take care of all his 9 children, yet he could even afford to take care of his other nieces and nephews. I even remembered how he would always tell me stories about his life, how he would always give me some pocket money whenever I went back to visit him or whenever he came over to KL for a visit, how he would always smile when I spoke Hakka badly, how he would be happy whenever I told him that I did well in my exams, or when I graduated.
I miss being with him and I miss having him around.. 2 weeks ago when I left Segamat, I said goodbye to him, I never thought that it would be the last goodbye. When I gave him some money (as I always did whenever I go back to visit him), I never thought it would be the last time. As I rode in the hearse to the cemetery, together with my family, my uncles and my grandfather's coffin, I remembered all that, and I regretted not saying a proper goodbye to him before he breathed his last and final breath. As the undertakers buried the coffin underground, the band played 'Auld Lang Syne', and I just couldn't help crying, knowing that I would never see him again, I would never see his smile, I would never see him coming home from his favourite coffeeshop hangout, I would never hear him asking "Sip pau mau?" (in Hakka, "have you eaten?")..
If my grandfather could hear me now, I would want to tell him that I love him a lot and that I will miss him very, very much. I hope that he would live a brand new and a happy life wherever he is now. Goodbye, "gong gong"... Rest in peace...
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breathe away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Every day
Coz you are mine forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breathe away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breathe away's not far
To where you are
~~ Josh Groban - To Where You Are ~~
